The dark side

It is a very badly kept secret that I used to be a goth. 

Source: www.butterfunk.com

Actually, I am still a goth at heart but now it kind of lays under the surface more, threatening to burst out at a moments notice. Kind of like how recovered alcoholics can have one drink and then relapse, one whiff of a corset can send me back into a black lipstick covered oblivion.

And while a lot of my new friends accept this as, I guess, a quirk in my personality, not many of them have a full understanding of what being a goth actually means. I think this is why when I tried to convince them that it would be the BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD to go to "Ironfest" last weekend (which is a sort of medieval fair with jousting, blacksmiths and other reenactments of awesomeness) they were completely taken aback. 

To me, digging on men who dress up as knights and engage in sword play is completely consistent with my backstory. But they had obviously never seen the connection. So I thought I would help everyone out a bit by explaining what being an ex/secret/psuedo-poser goth (depending on who you ask) means about me, what I am into and, obviously, how it affects my personal style. 

**PLEASE NOTE: this is not intended to be a definitive list of what it means to be a goth - there is no WAY I am stupid enough to open that can of worms! So please, feel free to leave a comment as to what you think it means - but don't tell me I am wrong because this is about me. Ok? Ok.**

1. Yes, I wear a lot of black

Let's get this out of the way early, shall we? And while I do wear other colours too, I would be lying if I tried to suggest that my wardrobe wasn't based around the idea that black is better. I feel uncomfortable if I am not wearing at least one thing that is black - it kind of anchors my whole look. I can appreciate outfits that others wear that are maybe all pastel or bright - I just think that they would look ridiculous on me. 

Also, regardless of what is in fashion, I love wearing fishnet stockings, corsets, black boots of all descriptions, lots of silver necklaces and rings, dark nail polish and heavy eyeliner. But these days, I am a little more subtle with the whole thing so maybe won't wear them all at once (unless I am going to a Marilyn Manson concert in which case I see no point in holding back - see below). 

And also I feel more like me if my skin is pale and my hair is an unnatural colour. 

2. My taste in men can sometimes seem… odd

Certainly, I can appreciate a conventionally aesthetically pleasing man as much as the next gal (Ryan Gosling - hello!) but they are not the type of guy that I would usually go for.

I actually have a theory that almost every man would look hotter if they dyed their hair black and kept their skin paler. Here is some proof:

Christian Slater: normal

Source: www.celebs101.com

Christian Slater: more awesome (in Heathers)

Source: www.movieteenagers.com

Ewan McGregor: normal

Source: www.moviesplanet.com

Ewan McGregor: way more awesome (in Moulin Rouge)

Source: www.cineplex.com

Also, it isn't really about the guy being perfect looking - I prefer it if they are a bit quirky or intense looking. Here are a few of my absolute favourite boys that most of my female friends fail to find attractive at all:

Neil Gaiman (author)

Source: www.badhaven.com

Trent Reznor (musician)

Source: www.nndb.com

Gary Oldman (especially as Dracula, Sirius Black or Sid Vicious)

Source: www.lifepain.net

Russel Brand

Source: www.all2need.com

All incredibly nommy and, in my opinion, totally brilliant (yes - even Russell).

3. I often find beauty in things that other people think are gross

To me, this is central to the goth scene. Seeing the beauty in the unusual, the freaky, the macabre seems to be common trait in most goths. 

So this is where things like fascinations with skulls, snakes, dead roses, blood, pale skin, spiderwebs, grave yards, taxidermy etc can come from. I personally don't see it as being something that people are just into for the shock factor - these are things that can be fragile, delicate and hauntingly beautiful. 

Source: www.amara.co.uk

Source: www.artreview.com.au

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Of course, they can also just look bloody awful. But they don't have to.

4. Some of my music might scare you but my tastes are pretty diverse

Source: www.vulturemagazine.com.au

Yes, ok, so I do listen to a lot of Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Rammstein, Crystal Castles, Nick Cave, The Cure, The Smiths, David Bowie blah blah blah. 

But I also totally love the Spice Girls (I have all three of their albums), NKOTB and East 17. And if Beyonce or JT come on, you better believe that I am going to dance. 

Source: www.fanpop.com

It would be too big a task to try and list everything I am into just to prove a point that I am not sure needs proving, but the above should give an idea of the scope. 

Basically, when it comes to music, if I am into it, it is awesome. If I am not into it, it is shit. Simple, right?

Also, just because I listen to angry or depressing music doesn't mean I am also angry and/ or depressed all the time. Well - at least not since I was a teenager anyways...

5. Goths and geeks go together like Buffy and Angel (or, later, Buffy and Spike)

This is not to say that all goths are also geeks or vice versa, there just seems to be a fair amount of overlap (to wit, my totally loving medieval fairs, men who can quote Firefly and my use of the phrase "to wit").

Source: www.masey.com.au

I think this connection isn't as obvious to people as I think it would be because there is a perception out there that goths are these big, scary, satan-worshipping people who stomp around in massive black boots and jackets even when it is the middle of summer. Sure, this does describe a lot of them, but that doesn't mean they aren't also massive Dr Who fans who enjoy a good game of chess or World of Warcraft. And the scary looking ones are quite often total kittens when you get to know them. And often incredibly intelligent, funny and well-read. And can probably speak Klingon.

Source: www.moviecatcher.com

My husband is not a goth and never has been. But he is definitely a geek. Big time.

Some of my geeky pursuits include: Buffy, Firefly - anything by Joss Whedon, Dr Who, playing text-base computer game, Zork, dressing up in medieval dresses whenever the opportunity presents itself, reading and watching anything with vampires in it (sadly this includes Twilight - but that isn't a goth thing - it is an idiot girl thing), pretending I am a ninja, reading Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters for fun, reading the occasional graphic novel - the list goes on and on.

And in my world - these are not things to be ashamed of. In fact, these are the things that make me totally awesome!

Let's hear it for the girls!

Growing up in Australia with English parents gave me a slightly different frame of reference when it came to pop culture. While my friends were watching Australian shows like Neighbours and Home and Away and US imports like Full House and Growing Pains, I was more likely to be tuned into the ABC to catch the latest episodes of The Bill and Fawlty Towers. In retrospect, these were the better choices, but I felt hard done by at the time.

I also got to watch some really odd movies too.  Sure, there was an early exposure to Monty Python that gave me some cred in later years. But I also had a lot - and I mean A LOT - of exposure to the British institution that is the "Carry On" film series.

No idea what I am talking about? Well the wikipedia page describes it as "a series of low-budget British comedy films" that "are a mix of parody, farce, slapstick and double entendres". Most were filmed in the 60s and 70s and, let's just say, the female characters were only well-developed in one way - wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more! The females were one of two types: matronly or sex kittens. The sex kittens were delightful, bubbly little creatures that everyone adored (aside from the matronly women of course) while the matronly women served as nagging buzz kills to the lecherous men who would be chasing the sex kittens around for most of the movie.


And I am pretty sure that it is these movies and their two-dimensional characterisations of females that lead a young me came to think that this was the ideal woman:

Source: www.dailytelegraph.co.uk

This didn't, thankfully, have a lasting impact on my views about gender roles and it certainly didn't mean that I went on to neglect my studies and instead focus on being a pretty little thing with no opinions and a saucy giggle. But it did have a different impact on me. From a very young age, it made me really, really want to have big boobs when I grew up.


This was, of course, later reinforced by others who I looked up to: Betty and Veronica, Jessica Rabbit, Samantha Fox, Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", every single one of the 80s Supermodels, Kelly Bundy from "Married: with Children", David Lee Roth's music videos - the world seemed to be telling me that being a well-endowed woman equated to being, essentially, awesome. 

Source: www.mitrasites.com

Source: www.celebrityfaqs.com

Source: www.perfectpeople.net

Source: www.skinnyvscurvy.com

Source: www.lyricsgeek.com

(Importantly, you were also guaranteed to get an awesome boyfriend.)


Sadly, however, mother nature had other plans for me. I was to doomed to be a member of the IBTC (the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee for the uninitiated). 


Sometimes life is just so unfair!


By the time I was 15, when everyone else had already been visited by the boob fairy except for me, it seemed to me that my fate had been sealed. So my plan was simple - I would wear a padded Wonderbra until I was 20 or so and then I would buy myself a lovely pair of silicone double Ds (because, as Janet in that awesome 90s movie "Singles" said, "If you're going to have the operation, you know, have the operation").


Thankfully, though, something happened that turned me away from the knife and put me on the track to self-acceptance. 


And that was the rise of Kate Moss. 

Source: www.smh.com.au

She was the anti-supermodel who changed the face of fashion in 90s. Her face wasn't as conventionally beautiful as the Supers who reigned at the time and she didn't have the Amazonian curves that they had either. 


When Kate Moss hit the mainstream in the mid-late 90s, she was not exactly hailed as a positive role-model for girls. Her waifish, spaced-out appearance was accused of encouraging eating disorders and of glamourising heroin use through her "heroin chic" style. But she was a positive role model for me, at least - because she proved that you could be a super-hottie and be entirely flat-chested! And, by providing an alternative to the buxom babes who seemed to dominate the media before her, Kate Moss's raise to fame also raised my love for my tiny, tiny chest. 


And since then, there have been many other gorgeous but small breasted celebs, like Kristen Stewart, Mila Jovavich, Natalie Portman, Zoe Saldana, Selma Blair - all totally cute and all lucky to be able to fill a B-cup.

Source: www.thefastertimes.com

Source: www.thedailycap.com

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Source: www.couturesnob.com

Source: www.moviespad.com

Of course, I am not totally delusional - I know that big boobs are still highly desirable in Hollywood and, let's face it - they look pretty ace. I mean, they certainly haven't harmed the careers of these gals:


Katy Perry

Source: www.popcrunch.com

Marion Cotillard 

Source: www.a2zpictures.com

Angelina Jolie

Source: www.babble.com

 Jennier Lawrence

Source: www.buzzfeed.com

The thing that I love now, though, is that there no longer seems to be a fascination with female celebrities needing to have perfect, large breasts - so long as you dress in a way that makes the best of your assets, your boobs won't get in the way of you being a Hollywood hottie. 


Of course, big or small, it is totally possible to dress in a way that makes your boobs look ridiculous and this is never going to be good. Right, Tori Spelling and Rachel Zoe?

Source: www.spike.com

(Admittedly, the hideous boob-job doesn't help Tori...)

*shudder*


The thing to remember is that there will always be certain outfits that will suit small boobs, big boobs or in-between boobs more - but if you are fighting what you have got, you risk dressing in a way that won't make the most of your girls. 


So I say, ladies - no matter what your cup size, be proud and embrace your boobies! 

My style rebellion

My husband seems to be under some delusion that, when I choose what to wear, I should be choosing something that he likes.

I mean sure, I don't want him to think I look totally awful and, sometimes, his very strong views about certain items of clothing are on the money. But, believe it or not, sometimes I like to wear things that I think are cool. And sometimes these are not things that my husband, or most other men, necessarily "get" or think are cute AT ALL.

Girls will usually dig them though. Or, if they don't, they at least seem to admire my courage in actually trying to embrace a tricky trend or to rock something out of the ordinary (even if they would never be caught dead in it themselves...)

This is kind of the premise behind the uber-cool blog The Man Repeller. She defines the term "man repeller" as:

"outfitting oneself in a sartorially offensive way that will result in repelling members of the opposite sex. Such garments include but are not limited to harem pants, boyfriend jeans, overalls (see: human repelling), shoulder pads, full length jumpsuits, jewelry that resembles violent weaponry and clogs." 

She is, essentially, brilliant.

And, in my experience, it is really hard to be a fashionista and not repel men in some way. Even supposedly "sexy" fashion items seem to make my husband wrinkle his nose in distaste - like the time that I tried on a gorgeous pair of over-the-knee boots and he told me that they looked like fisherman's waders. (He then helpfully told me that maybe they do look good - but only only tall, skinny, model-types. I mean, he is right and everything but really - did he have to say it OUT LOUD?)

Normally, I will keep his views in mind when I am buying new things. I see this as is like a defence technique for my self-esteem because it is hard to feel cute when you know that your husband thinks you look off and pulls that stinky face when he sees you coming down the stairs after you have got dressed. If you aren't familiar with the face I am referring to, here is a not at all gratuitous photo of Ryan Gosling to demonstrate:

Source: www.thelonghaulproject.com

Of course, if Ryan ever gives you this face, just wear whatever he tells you to. It would be rude to argue. Plus, he might get all upset and put his shirt back on. And nobody wants that.

Last weekend, though, I was feeling a little sassy. I was looking at all the pretty things on asos.com that I wanted to buy but that my husband would probably not like - the usual asos routine - and kept um-ing and ah-ing over the wet-look and rubber finished pants. Now, I think these can look totally cute if worn properly and in a chic way. For example, this looks chic:

Source: www.metro.co.uk

This, not so much:

Source: www.company.co.uk

It always amazes me how much Vicky's taste in clothes (and hair styles, and tanning products...) has improved over the years. I adore pretty much every look she rocks now - which is not something I would have ever thought possible back in her Posh Spice days.

My plan for these leggings is to wear them in Winter with big, oversized jumpers (like the gorgeous cashmere jumper dress that I bought from All Saints Spitalfields when I was in the States), with a long, worn out t-shirt or maybe under a white shirt-dress. And let me assure you that at no point will my rubber-clad butt be on display!

And while rubber pants are something that I would think men would find a bit sexy, my husband assures me they are not. They are not nice. Not even on Victoria Beckham apparently.

But they have been ordered now and are on their way to my door. So, he is just going to have to deal (or I will just wear them when I am not spending time with him so I don't have to see his god damn stinky face!).

I didn't stop at the leggings though. Feeling emboldened by my blatant disregard for my husband's sartorial views, I also threw an obi belt into the mix.

Don't know what an obi belt is? THIS is what an obi belt is:

Source: www.myintimateaffairwithfashion.com

As its name suggests, it is loosely based on the belt worn by jedi knight, Obi Wan Kenobe:

Source: www.redroom.com

Now, you would think that, being named after a jedi and all, men would kind of dig the obi belt, right? But no. It is something that only Sir Alec Guinness and Ewan McGregor can get away with, apparently.

The other thing that will freak my husband out about the belt I have ordered is that it also kind blends the latest tribal and neon trends into it too.

Source: www.asos.com

So not one, but THREE trends that men fail to understand all rolled into one belt. BAM! Nice work, asos - you may have just found a way to break my husband's brain.

And as if that wasn't enough to torment my poor, long suffering spouse, I thought I would also hit him with some animal print. A leopard print peplum top, to be precise.

I think a little leopard print can look very fetching. A little sexy, a little feisty - so long as you don't dress in it head-to-toe, it can look pretty classy.

I mean, I can understand him having an objection to me wearing something like this:

Source: www.fashionfame.com

But what I am thinking is something to spice up my pretty much entirely black work wardrobe - this sort of thing:

Source: www.polyvore.com

Source: www.stylebakery.com

But my husband is of the view that any amount of leopard skin is a faux pas and that it should be left to tacky, old women from the Gold Coast. And I am not saying there isn't an element of truth in that - it is just that I think there are degrees of leopard print and you should abandon the whole thing just because of the style-challenged ladies of the Gold Coast.

I haven't actually received my pretty new things yet so I have not yet been able to try convincing him that these items are in fact totally awesome and gorgeous (which I plan to do by trying each one on with every single thing already in my wardrobe - a sort of slow, painful torture that is bound to end in one - or both - of us in tears).

Wish me luck!

xox