Friday, October 21, 2011

Cut and paste

Do you ever have those "ugly face" days? You might be well-rested and otherwise feel peachy-keen, you do your make-up the exact same way you do every day - but something about your face is just off and nothing seems to fix it. In fact, it may inspire you to put on too much make-up to compensate and actually make yourself look even worse. It is a spiralling disaster of ugliness.

I have no idea if these days are all just in my head or whether there is something objectively wrong with my face on these days, but either way theycan put me in a serious funk. So much so, in fact, that they make me fantasise about all the different ways I could have my face surgically altered so that "ugly face" days would be nothing more than a bad memory.

Thankfully, I have only ever left these as fantasies and have never acted on them. But I have spent enough time contemplating what I would have changed and how I would like my face to look and I have come up with a list of what I consider to be the perfect facial features - the idea being, should I ever feel so inclined, I would be able to take my list into a plastic surgeon and demand that my face be carved, moulded, chiselled and plumped in accordance with the list's specifications.

And, of course, I thought I would share this list with you! Cos I am kind like that.

1. Eyebrows
Maybe this is an odd place to start but I am kind of going top-down here (structure and order are important, you guys!).

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I plucked the crap out of my eyebrows when I was a teen in an attempt to look like Drew Barrymore. Has this mistake made me embrace my natural eyebrow shape and stop coveting celebrity eyebrows? Pfft - no!

There are many girls out there with lovely, strong and well-shaped brows, but the one whose eyebrows have always made me seriously jealous ever since she first hit the scene in "The Professional" (or "Leon" for my European friends) is Natalie Portman.

And to show just how important a beautiful brow is, here she is rocking a bald head and still looking smoking hot thanks, in no small part, to her pretty eyebrows:

They are dark but not too dark, straight but not too straight, shaped but not overplucked. Basically, they defy trends and therefore always stay in style and relevant. Something that cannot be said for my silly, little, 90s Drew-brows.

2. Eyes
I have always wanted to have brown eyes. I think brown eyes are gorgeous - they are large and doe-like and make boys swoon - like those belonging to Audrey Hepburn,Winona Ryder, Natalie Portman or Audrey Tautou.

A while back I decided to play God a little and ordered a pair of brown contact lenses so that I could have  lovely, soulful brown eyes too. And the result was... ok. It wasn't awful - just ok. But really, they were just my plain ol' eyes, only darker.

It was then that I realised that it wasn't so much the colour of the eyes but the shape that is all-important. So my pick for perfect eyes is now solely based on shape (although her eye colour also happens to be quite pretty) - Olivia Wilde:


They are a gorgeous almond, cat-eye shape. Her eyes are almost too pretty to be real - as I have previously suggested, she is more than likely an alien who tried to make her face look just like ours but got everything just a little too perfect.

I hate her.

3. Ears
So, this is weird. I hadn't actually thought about who I would put down as my choice for perfect ears until my husband raised it.

I was shocked to realise that this is because I am actually very happy with my ears! They are small, neat, nicely shaped and stick out just enough to be cute (according to my husband, anyway).

So there is nothing to see here people - I am actually satisfied a part of my face!

6. Nose 
But let's not get all confident and cocky. There is still much to be done to the rest of my mug! Like my nose, for example. And I am always wondering just how much difference a perfect little nose would make to my overall appearance.

Choosing this one was a no-brainer - the owner of my perfect nose, Grace Kelly, is timeless and so is every single feature on her face. In fact, I could have just put her down for every single facial feature, but where is the fun in that?

While she may not be around anymore, her classic, small ski-jump nose beats out any of the noses running around Hollywood at the moment:


5. Cheeks
My cheeks are actually fine. But what good is "fine" when they could be FABOOSH!

This one was a tie. And I actually can't stand either of these women and don't think either of them look that special - but they do have gorgeous bone structure and have perfect cheeks as a result.

Number one is Keira Knightley (who I love loath) - she has the kind of cheek bones that could cut glass.

What. A. Bitch.

I also love Kate Bosworth's cheeks because they are so round and shiny and look just adorable when she smiles (something that Keira should NEVER think of doing if she wants people to continue to think that she is even sort-of attractive):

Yeah, I would be looking smug too if I had cheeks so pretty that they managed to nab Alexander Skarsgard - even if it was just for a little while.

6. Lips
I like full lips - when I was little I was afraid my lips would disappear like the ones on some old women that I had seen. Whenever I thought about it I would push my lips out in an attempt to counter the inevitable ravages of time.

But, even though I like them big, I would never take a picture of Angelina Jolie into a surgeon if I was getting my pout sorted. And there is no way in hell I would ever want to a mouth like Julia Roberts. (I don't really want to go into it right now, but Julia is basically my nemisis. Her and Tom Hanks. Every part of them is evil and this includes her stupidly large mouth.)

Anyway, I really doubt that I would get my lips done because, in reality, it always seem to go so badly for everyone who tries to tinker with their lips. Right, Linds?


But if it was possible to get my lips done without looking like the type of fish that you would always toss back into the ocean, I would totes get them done just like the Olsen twins (I don't care which one - their pouts are both equally adorable):

Not too big but nice and full. Perfect.

7. Teeth
This is one that I have, and will, seriously consider getting fixed. Perfect, shiny, white teeth are just so nice and having great, healthy teeth can really make a difference to how old you look.

There are, of course, hundreds of examples of perfect smiles in Hollywood but personally I am obsessed with Blake Lively's for some reason. I think it is because they don't look like super-fake veneers and aren't overly white.

Whatever it is, every time I watch Gossip Girl, it makes me wonder whether it would be worth my hard-earned dosh on some new chompers:

Soooooo pretty!

8. Jawline/ chin 
To be honest, there isn't anything that wrong with my jawline or chin. But Astrid Berges-Frisbey's face-shape is just so perfect that I felt obliged to include it:

If you have no idea who she is or you are just having trouble placing her, she was the pretty little mermaid that they captured in the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie:

She is also proving to be quite the young style-icon and has a wardrobe to die for. Astrid is definitely my new girl-crush. (Alexa who?)

So there it is - my face-lust list. If I had any kind of photoshop skills, I suppose I would cobble together a photo-composite of these parts, blended perfectly to show either the most sublime face you have ever seen or a face that has gone beyond perfect and into the land of freaky.

As it is, however, I have no such skills and you will instead just have to use the most powerful of all tools - your imagination. How very retro!

I also considered doing up a list of perfect male features too, but figured I could save time and just post this instead:

I know, right?

Again, YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Charmaine said...

Hilarious. I still think it is the whole package that is important - I fear that picking features here and there might lead to a Mr Potato Head effect ;) Luckily, your whole face is already very pretty Emma. As is Ryan Gosling's.